Before embarking on writing, I had a vague idea of what the world of BDSM entailed, much of it informed by common media stereotypes and of course what could be called ‘rumoured impressions’ of Fifty Shades of Grey – a story that everybody seems to know about, irrelevant of whether they have read the books or watched the movies.

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My research for the novels took me into some dark places; places that I’m not sure I should ever share on here. Let’s just say I had to be broadminded. This also helped clarify may understanding of the difference between consensual BDSM and abuse; with the former being acceptable and the latter being just wrong on every level. 

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Please refer back to what I have written about consent if you are in any doubt.

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I am not intending for this to be a full treatise on how to establish a BDSM relationship nor should it be taken as guidance; these are purely personal observations.

 

Finally, before I start, I would like to provide some basic definitions to aid understanding.

 

BDSM, stands for Bondage, Domination and Sado-Masochism and is erotic powerplay between consenting (there’s that word again) adults. It often means the use of restraints (and other forms of control) and the infliction of pain on the sub and even tickling. It may also involve worship and humiliation, that can be verbal and physical. Furthermore, it may be polyamorous, particularly if the sub is required to submit to multiple individuals – this is not the same as an open relationship.

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There is a common perception that BDSM is all about pain, but it is a phenomena that is multi-faceted and runs much deeper than that with enabled / enabler relationships and trust being at the very core.

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People engaged in BDSM can be Top or Bottom (more dominant or submissive), Switch (which means they can play either role) and then within that you have the Dominant (Dom – M / Domme / Dominatrix – F) and the Submissive. In terms of relationships the dynamic is often described as Dom(me)/sub(missive) or simply D/s with the choice of capitalisation and lowercase letters deliberate.

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With that established, I have come to understand BDSM in two basic categories, the latter of which is then further subdivided into further types.

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The first is just bedroom fun and is just erotica powerplay as a form of foreplay or in general an active and adventurous sex life. I would describe it as a bit of slap and tickle. On the whole this could defined as bedroom only fun – although it might not be limited to just the bedroom.

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Secondly, people engage in a BDSM lifestyle which affects the wider relationship and is not just limited to sexual activity. In such relationships it may involve the sub doing menial and domestic tasks and serving each and every whim of the Dom(me) within certain standards. In extreme cases this can mean the sub submitting to something called Consent to Non-Consent (or CnC for short), in which the sub gives a one time only permission to be used how and when the Dom(me) decides regardless of the situation. The theory goes that the Dom(me) is responsible and trustworthy and will not carrying things too far. Knowing their sub’s limitations and appetites should be enough to create a safe playground that both can explore.

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In the case of CnC the Dom(me) is ultimately in charge – and this is very dangerous in my opinion. As contradictory as this sounds this is the wrong way round. There are no safeguards if the Dom(me) slips into excess which then, in turn, can become abuse at the very least and even lead to serious injury or death in extreme cases.

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Thirdly, there is what I call True BDSM (to my knowledge I am the only person who has used this definition so please feel free to disagree or prove me wrong) in which the sub has ultimate control within what can be defined as an enabler / enabled relationship. “You can torment me until I say stop” – basically when the sub wants to stop the activity consent is withdrawn.

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This is essential because it is the sub who is subjected to a range of torments and therefore this is where the control must lie. This can be governed by hard rules (we never do that) or soft rules – (we stop when I use a safe word or similar protective measure). This ultimately safeguards the sub  

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Within my novels the foundation of the relationship between Ania and Dominika is True BDSM, even though Dominika shows time and again that she actually would be responsible in a CnC context. For example, she refuses to discipline Ania when she is angry with her (especially following the affair with Elwira) as she wants to make sure that she never loses control.

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Dominika is very black and white in her outlook and needs to be in control at all times and yet conversely (and paradoxically) in this she completely hands over control to Ania, in that Ania gets the last say in the matter. Dominika is still pro-active in coming up with the torments that she inflicts on Ania (and usually the pretext for doing so), but Ania never lets go of the brake lever. Dominika wouldn’t have it any other way.

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On a psychological level True BDSM suits both girls. We have already seen this from Dominika’s perspective, but it gives far more to Ania…

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Ania, explains how she finds life as a BDSM submissive liberating. Within it she is able to shed all responsibility and is actually free to be who she wants to be. This once again illustrates the contradiction in True BDSM in that while the sub experiences this the Dom(me) is places under all kinds of restraints, governed by both the hard and soft rules – and the truth is that the soft rules can come down to the whim of the sub.

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For Ania this sense of “liberation in chains” is important as she tends to overthink and be too down on herself. By accepting the “punishment” that she thinks she deserves (aside from the pain that appeals to her masochistic side) it keeps her in equilibrium and balanced. It would be harsh to blame Dominika, but when she was finishing her thesis and Ania was feeling neglected that Ania cheated – this is all on Ania. What had happened was that she had been left to her own devices and catastrophe followed. As it happened, this proved to be the very catalyst that set Ania on a path to redemption.

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Because ultimately that is what my Ania story is – it is a path to personal redemption through healing and acceptance of a past, which means she can have a truly liberated present and future.