At the risk of being controversial, self-esteem issues, regardless of their outworking revolves around self and nobody else. I am not saying this unsympathetically. It is just a statement of fact.

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In cases where people have too much self-esteem, too much of a high opinion of themselves it leads to arrogance, hubris and at times narcissism when pushed to excess. However, it is all the more common to come across individuals with low self-esteem which when it boils down to it means a sense of worthlessness and failure. They are two sides of the same coin and both equally focused on self and nothing else.

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It is best of course to be balanced between the two excesses; in that place where life does not revolve around self because to have such a focus either too high or too low is ultimately destructive for the both the individual and all too frequently their relationships.

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With this theme it is actually better that I illustrate it using the life of Ania from the novels rather than go into lengthy detail as things will be clearer that way. I will do my best to minimise spoilers so you can find out for yourself.

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Ania, who describes herself as outwardly beautiful but inwardly corrupt, struggles with her self-esteem. The emphasis on her outer attractiveness was a deliberate inclusion, as so-called “beautiful people” are just as likely to suffer as anybody else.

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Throughout, Dominika is telling Ania to lift her eyes to the horizon – in other words to take her eyes off herself and for her to look at the bigger picture and wider world which she co-habits with other people. Certainly, at the beginning, Ania only has eyes for herself and the predicament(s) she finds herself in, although she does later begin to evolve under Dominika’s ever watchful eyes.

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Ania sees herself as a failure, an unredeemable sinner, and it is even subtly woven into the text that she considers herself to be less intelligent than the other girls, although their views of her differ. Her own vision of herself is much poorer than that of her peers. This could be called a true mirror (a phrase borrowed from a former tutor of mine) in which they actually provide a better reflection of her than she does herself.

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To be worthless or a failure means holding oneself up next to a standard of worthiness and success and thus they become statements of comparison and this becomes especially toxic when the comparison is to an excessive idealism or other people.

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Comparison can be healthy, but only when looking realistically in a mirror in the context of self-development or self-improvement there’s that word self again!). A realistic context is considering as you mature whether your skills have improved or if you are handling situations better than you have in the past. Unrealistic comparisons can be illustrated by thinking about something a younger person can do that the same person cannot do when they are older. I am sure that every 40-year-old cannot run 100 metres as fast as their 15-year-old version. That would just be unrealistic!

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Ania holds herself up against the religious standards of her parents and the church and as I have written in the section about Empty Religiosity, she has failed to grasp the Christian concepts of grace and hope and has only grasped judgement and condemnation. She was particularly affected by a childhood experience (no spoilers) that completely altered the trajectory of her life and how she viewed herself.

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While there is nothing wrong with idealism and aspiring to live accordingly, our attitude has to be checked by a dose of common sense. It would be wonderful to be perfect, but let’s be honest it is beyond the grasp of humanity and so we should temper our expectations, but without becoming cynical.

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Naturally, Ania was overwhelmed by a sense of (perceived) failure and shame, especially before her well-meaning parents, and because her sense of worth was reduced through no fault of her own (which Book 3: The Journey Home will reveal) it was a factor that fed into a vicious circle that only got more destructive with each turn. Each time she fell, it drove her to further extremes as she felt that it was all that she deserved. If you are worthless you have no value and will accept being treated badly.

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Why should she deserve anything better when she believed (incorrectly) that she had set things off herself.

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One of the main things Dominika aims to achieve with  Ania, by lifting her eyes to the horizon, is for her to take her eyes off self and see things in a wider context. At the same time, Dominika (and Emilia to some extent), nudge Ania into the direction of taking personal responsibility.

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An important lesson here, is that you cannot be guilty for something you have no control over. This means Ania has to accept responsibility for her infidelity, but cannot be blamed for what happened during her childhood.

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Furthermore, I am appealing to my readers not to be defined by your past and let it define your future and do not be defined by an unobtainable idealism. Additionally, if you do embrace religion, it is not a pick and mix thing. If you believe in Hell, you need to accept there is a Heaven too, and if you believe in God’s judgement you need to be prepared to accept His grace too.

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I am saying this from an non-religious perspective.

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The other main thing, as touched on above, that leads to a sense of worthlessness and failure, is unnecessary and unrealistic comparison to others. You are who you are complete with your uniqueness and limitations. There are things you can do amazingly well and others that you can’t. Accept and move on.

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For example, within the books, I have made it clear that, by far, Kasia is the most intelligent of the girls, but none have the writing gift that Ania has. Kasia however has her own limitations as does Ania (see below).

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I have given each of the girls their own gifts that are naturally imbued in them; born of experience and personality. Yes, it is all me and my writing, when it comes down to the bottom line, but I have given each of them their own unique voices.

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One reader once asked me how I can hold so many personalities on my head such is their differences!

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Consider –

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Kasia is super intelligent but cold, hard and unfeeling and projects an image of darkness. Much of this is an outer persona to protect herself as she is actually vulnerable and quite insecure. She can be aggressive, but she is passionate about what she loves and very protective and loyal.

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Emilia is outgoing, compassionate, caring, but principled and tough with a strong moral compass. She is the anchor that holds everything and everybody together, but she is not without her quirks and idiosyncrasies.

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Ania has a unique gift of being able to express herself, emotions and all, with a frank and eloquent ability to put things in the written word, even if she tends to be too open and has no problem with vulgarity in an appropriate context. A little introverted, despite her approach to writing, she is actually quite shy, but driven by how she perceives herself. She is spontaneous and all too frequently gets lost in the moment.

 

Dominika is very principled and sees things in clear black and white. Everything boils down to cause and effect, which means consequences. She is fiercely loyal and protective and while she is the Domme in her relationship with Ania, she is not a true sadist and only does what she considers to be necessary. She is completely selfless and while some her actions could be called into question, she only has care for Ania and her well-being. She is deliberately a Goddess figure, slightly aloof and demanding.

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Elwira. Is calm and polite and hates vulgarity, but also struggles with her inner self, this inner battle is well-documented in her novella, Elwira: A Coming Out Story. Consequently, she is brave, open and adventurous but needs some help to push through her inner inhibitions. Her difficulties in coming out only compounded inner feelings and was a reason why her brief entanglement with Ania was so devastating for her.

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They are each unique.

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In Elwira’s novella, I have made a point of stating (a few times) that Elwira does not consider herself to be the writer that Ania is. This is to drive home my wish for the reader to see Ania’s gift of writing and demonstrate that she too has special skills whatever she thinks of herself. There is no element of Elwira questioning her own self-esteem when she is saying this.

 

I can draw different comparisons between each of them, but what is the point – and that is my point.

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I am reminded at this point of an image in which there is a bunch of animals required to pass the same test. The test involves climbing a tree and the monkey is clearly advantaged. An elephant can’t do what a fish can, nor can a monkey do what an insect can, etc. The image is saying is that one animal may be equipped to pass a certain test and others are doomed to failure as they do not have the ability or skills, but given a different test it would be another matter…

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